Roller Coasters Scare Me

It's been a dang long time since I wrote! I wasn't even going to write today, but after a really good conversation with Jenny, I have been encouraged to "journal" my thoughts in my blog. Really, it should be written down in one way or another, but this format is easier for me than a traditional hard-cover journal.

Most of you who read this blog probably know that Ryan and I are expecting our first child. After a loooong time of trying and not-so-patient waiting, we are FINALLY going to become parents.

Now, for most people, the end of the previous sentence would end in an exclamation point. "YES!!!" "We're going to be Mom and Dad to someone!" "This is so awesome!!!" These are all things that Ryan and I have consistently said in the last 7 weeks (since we found out). But, you will notice that, by my choice, there is no exclamation point to the end of that sentence.

Let me start by saying that honest-to-God, I am thrilled beyond measure. I'm going to be a Mom, I know my body is able to conceive, and I will have my heart's desire. These are great things! But, as I am thrilled, I'm equal amounts scared and overwhelmed. It feels like being on a really big roller coaster. You're strapped in, the lap bar's down, and you're nearly flat on your back as you ascend to the top of the hill. You can see where you've been, you can see for about a foot and half where you're going, but beyond that, it's a mystery. When you deliver, you're at the top of the hill, the release "click" is heard, and you plummet into a terrifying, exhilarating ride called parenting that leaves you breathless, shaking, and ready to run back to get in line to do it all over again. (At least, this is how I imagine delivery and parenting is; clearly, I haven't experienced this yet.)

Another thing that is important to know about this roller coaster analogy is that I'm scared to death of riding roller coasters. In line, I'm staring at the coaster, excited to ride it and experience the adrenalin rush that inevitably follows a near-death experience. You get me in the coaster car and I'm a shaking mess. I can barely pull the lap bar down and once it's there, I'm pressing on it all the time to make sure it's going to stay down. Sometimes, I ask the staff to check my bar twice (or at the very least, have Ryan check it again.) As the car ascends the hill, I can be heard mumbling the mantra, "Oh my Gosh I'm going to die, Oh my Gosh I'm going to die" which gets louder and louder until we get the the top of the hill. Once we go over the top, I scream my fool head off the entire time, get to the end, and immediately forget all the anxiety and terror I just experienced. If we have time, we run right back to the end of the line and do it all over again.

Liken this to pregnancy. I'm excited to be a Mom and go through the miracle called pregnancy. Now that I've peed on the stick and seen the plus sign, had an early ultrasound and good lab tests, I'm strapped in the car and frantically pressing the lap bar. The coaster car has left the station and is starting to ascend the hill. Honestly, I think my problem at this point is that I'm mumbling my mantra and all can think about is how unprepared I am for this journey. I'm overwhelmed by things I've never even thought about. Like, "How do you toilet train?" "When do you introduce solid foods?" "How, exactly, do you correctly discipline a child so that they don't become a dysfuntional member of society?" I have opinions on some of these topics, but others I don't even have an idea of what's supposed to happen. As Jenny says, I'm just overwhelmed beyond measure, which is, (I guess), completely normal.

Sure doesn't feel normal.

However, it does feel better to blog about it. If my roller coaster experience is any guide at all, I'm going to head over the top of the hill, scream my head off, and want to get right back in line and have another baby. I usually love the roller coaster once I'm done riding it, which makes me think, I will probably really enjoy being a parent too.

So, now I think I can say it: "We are FINALLY going to become parents!!" (and "Oh my Gosh I'm going to die!")